Obey the rules, and stress their importance to the uninitiated
Appearance is everything. Try to look and behave like a pro
Wear appropriate kit. Baggy and loose clothing is for dirt cyclists
Hydration backpacks and helmet visors are banned on the road. So are baggy pants. That accoutrement is reserved for mountain bikers
HTFU i.e. Toughen up
Never wear mismatching kit. If you don’t have shorts to match the shirt, wear plain black shorts
Riding in inclement weather entitles you to be called a badass rider
When out riding in badass weather, do not allow skin to show between arm warmers and shirt, or between knee warmers and shorts.
If you get overtaken by a bunch, do not try to mingle. Let the whole bunch go past, then join the group at the back. Ask if it is ok to join the group.
You never have enough bikes, so there is always room for a new one. And you very seldom sell the old one
Tan lines should be well above the knee and should be cultivated. No secret socks or sleeveless shirts
Cycling comes first. No question. Always make the time
Shorts should be black lycra, possibly with a side panel to match the shirt. And not so old and thin that the person behind has a good view of your moving glutes
Shave your legs. There are many good reasons besides aesthetics
Cycling caps are for cycling related activities only. Exceptionally stylish when worn at the post-ride caffeine infusion, to hide the ‘helmet hair’
Handle bar tape should be black, or match one of the colours of bike. The saddle too
Your bike should be clean, especially the cluster and chain
Use the correct terminology. Know what a bidon is, and how to pronounce it
Know the bike parts
Distances and speed are always referred to in Kilometres. Anything else belongs on the other side of the big pond
Cycling glasses should be exactly that, and the temples placed outside the helmet straps
When fitting tyres, the name of the tyre should be placed at the valve
Quick release levers are to be positioned correctly. The front one facing up or back, and the rear laver facing forward or in the triangle. Ask someone who knows, why.
Your saddle should be higher than the top of your handle bars for best aerodynamic effect
The saddle and bars should be parallel with the ground, and the brake hoods too
Hold your line in the bunch
Do not ride with earphones. You want maximum awareness of traffic
Point out and call upcoming road surface issues to the people behind you
Close the gap in the bunch
Absolutely no mirrors, however subtle or cunningly positioned
During a coffee break, helmets should be positioned in front of the handle bars and attached to the stem, like so
Never, ever litter. Stash your used sachet back in your pocket
If you stop while someone is fixing a puncture, make sure you look cool, even bored
Unless you are in a race, do not half-wheel. If you don’t know what this means, ask somebody who knows.
Do not surge up the climbs. Keep the pace steady, unless you’re in a race
Rides shall always start on time
Make sure you have all the spares you need, and know how to use them
Support you local bike shop
Always wear a helmet and gloves
When the going gets too tough, meditate on rule #5
